This episode should be called “Great Expectations.” A lot of stuff happened on the last episode and I’m curious to see where it goes.
The episode opens up in the forest, where pretty much everything bad happens. Tonight is no exception as Spike and Frederick are out carving symbols into the chests of random guys.
Nothing good happens in this forest, guys. Maybe East End should start a Deforestation Society. They could build themselves a nice mall or a Target store and make a serious dent in their crime statistics. Come to think of it, how come no one is looking for the serial killer with the taste for weird runes? You'd think there would be a manhunt going on. Last season the whole town was up in arms over one measly knife attack and this season there's been a veritable parade of victims and... not a peep.
But moving on... The carving expedition doesn’t work and Spike has to kill the guy. He decides that it’s because their victims are frightened and their souls hang on too tightly. He tells Frederick that they need a willing victim, someone who feels safe with them.
Interesting. I wonder why they don’t drug their victims. That should do the trick. In any case, I volunteer Wendy for the “trusting victim” role. Evil Aunt Wendy would be awesome.
But it's onwards and upwards to my favorite room ever, the Beauchamps kitchen, where Joanna is making Freya chocolate chip pancakes. It’s Freya’s first thirtieth birthday ever. Aw, that’s so sweet. She's never made it to thirty so everyone's very excited and there’s a big birthday party planned for tonight.
You know, I know the Something-Big-Will-Happen-At-The-Big-Party plot device is a good way to build tension, but you really shouldn’t use it every single episode. It loses its power.
Ingrid seems to agree with me. She skips the party planning and goes to Winterhaven to visit Dash and make a date for brunch. Ooops, Dash already has a naked girl in the house making him toast. Sorry, looks like the brunch girl position has been filled. Ingrid is pure awkwardness in this scene. I love it.
Oh, no, I just realized that the house is actually called Fairhaven. I’ve been using the wrong house name all this time. It’s like I’m shipping Fairhaven and Winterfell. Sigh, if Penelope had been the head of House Stark I wouldn't have quit GoT after the third episode.
But back to Killian’s shack. Eva and her grandmother are making Killian breakfast. Grandma acts pleasant but Killian’s mind-reading powers kick in and he can tell that she detests him. He says goodbye and tells Eva that he has to bartend at Freya’s birthday party tonight. Eva’s not happy about that. Eva and grandma chat. Eva is freaking out because her potion is losing efficacy and she has to get pregnant soon. She’s running out of time.
Herb guy arrives at the Beauchamps house and catches Wendy shifting from her cat form. Surprise!
Wendy tells him that she’s a witch. Sorry, what? That's the best you can come up with, Wendy? Herb Guy is an EMT who has, presumably, been treating all of the unlucky rune recipients for the past couple of weeks, but he doesn't say "Hey, you're a witch? Do you know anything about these weird runic killings?" No, he doesn't ask that. He just leaves quickly, which, come to think of it, is pretty smart. Unfortunately, now I know his name (Tommy), which means his life expectancy is, in spite of his quite retreat, probably nil.
Dash calls Ingrid and leaves a message telling her that Naked Toast Girl means nothing to him. Ingrid ignores the message.
Wendy tells Joanna about Herb Guy and Joanna tells her that she has to wipe his memory. Ugh, it’s the Season 1 spell that made that old lady go totally bonkers. That sounds terrible. I hate Herb guy, but I don't hate him that much. Wendy does not want to do the memory wipe because Herb Guy has a daughter. Or maybe it's because she loves him. It's hard to tell.
Freya’s birthday party is at the bar, which is kind of a bummer. I mean, who wants a birthday party at their workplace, right? Killian shows up to tend bar and he makes her a blue drink with flames. The smolder at each other. Ha! See what I did there? Flames? Smolder? Yep, this bit is kind of boring. Man, I hope Eva shows up soon and livens things up.
Back to the Forest of Evil Stuff Happens Here. Frederick tells Spike that he doesn’t want to keep killing people anymore. Spike doesn't take it well. Whoa. Frederick stabs Spike. Cool, I wasn’t expecting that.
Back to the party. Killian wishes Frederick a happy birthday. Oh, that’s right. This should be Frederick’s birthday too. Funny how no one's mentioned it. Smart boy, Killian. Frederick, however, is not in the mood. He tells Killian that he remembers him from Asgard and that he should stay away from Freya. Killian is confused and I don’t blame him. I thought Dash and Killian were Athena’s half-human offspring. They were in Asgard? How?
Tommy/Herb Guy shows up at the party. He apologizes to Wendy. I'm so not feeling this plot line. This guy is obvious cannon fodder and I lost interest in him a long time ago.
Killian takes Freya to the storeroom to talk. He tells her that he’s still in love with her, and she reminds him that he’s married. He says he dreams about her all the time and that he has no idea why he married Eva. He tells Freya that Eva is a witch. Freya tells him that they are star-crossed and that they can never be together because they always die.
Frederick is chatting with his girlfriend (her name is Carolyn. Yep, I know her name, which means she’s doomed) when Spike shows up at the bar. Looks like Frederick’s knife skills are getting rusty.
Spike shares a drink with Joanna. Frederick looks concerned. He seems to be worried about Spike and his mother, which is probably why he... leaves the party with Doomed Carolyn? Filial duty thy name is Frederick.
Dash shows up at the party. He apologizes to Ingrid and she decides to give him a chance.
Freya’s in the garden, looking sad. I'm confused. I thought this set was the Beauchamps garden, but it seems to be the bar's garden. Or maybe it's the village green? Anyway, Killian shows up and Freya tells him about her curse and how she meets him in every life, then dies. Killian tries to kiss her, but she leaves.
But then she comes back. Uh?
They kiss. No way, this can’t be Freya. I keep expecting the camera to pan down and show us Eva’s owl tattoo on Freya’s back, but it doesn’t happen. Maybe it really is Freya?
Wendy takes Herb Boy to the storeroom to explain the witch thing. And, because this is Wendy Beauchamps, the explanation involves an illusory trip to Bali and a make-out session at the beach. I love this. If it were Ingrid, the explanation would be in the library and they'd be looking through dusty books, but Wendy's not into that at all. It's Bali time.
Make-out montage. Wendy and Herb Boy, Killian and Maybe-It’s-Freya, Frederick and Doomed Caroline. The montage is kind of boring.
The montage ends with Freya and Killian on a… mattress? They magicked a mattress right on the grass? Wow. I wonder if that Mattress Materialization spell was in the Beauchamps grimoire. If so, I bet Wendy put it there.
Well, color me surprised, apparently, Freya really is Freya. They resolve to defy the curse and stay together. Killian will tell Eva and they will leave on the boat. Easy peasy, lemon squeeze.
Beauchamps house. Frederick pours something in Doomed Carolyn’s drink.
Spike and Joanna are the only ones left in the bar. Spike tells her that he still has a crush on her. He calls it first love and tells her that it stays with you. Joanna tells him that she’s still not over Victor. Man, I should hope not. He died like two days ago.
Oh, Dash and Ingrid were also making out in the montage. I totally missed that. Ingrid wants to call Freya and explain but her phone is out of battery. She doesn’t want to call from Dash’s phone so she goes to his computer to… e-mail Freya? What the...? What is she going to write? “I just boinked your crazy ex, sis. No hard feelings, right?”
Never mind, it’s just a clumsy plot device to get her to Dash’s computer so she can find the photos of Killian’s pseudo-murder. Ingrid freaks and I’m not sure why. She instantly concludes, on very little evidence, that Dash has killed a whole bunch of people. Weird. Dash conveniently confesses and she leaves in a huff.
Killian goes back home and tells Eva that they need to talk. Oh, this is going to end well, I can tell.
Herb Guy takes Wendy home and she tells him that they can’t see each other any more. She’s not going to do the memory spell, but they can’t be together. She starts to cry, which is kind of weird. I’m not sure why she’s so in love with him. The romance just hasn’t been developed enough. Herb Guy, however, disagrees with me. He loves her and says that they belong together.
Frederick ties Doomed Carolyn to the bed and asks her if she trusts him.
Eva’s grandmother is sick and Eva tries to comfort her. Whoa! Looks like the grandmother is actually Eva’s daughter. If Eva doesn’t get pregnant, she’ll die. This scene is very sweet, but somewhat confusing. I’m guessing that Eva body-switches with her child, but, if that’s the case, why is the daughter so compliant? Another mind-control spell?
Freya’s at the bar waiting for Killian. He shows up and tells her that he loves Eva and can’t leave her. Freya cries.
Frederick brands Doomed Carolyn. Hmm, I wonder how Grandfather will feel about his new female body.
This episode was… I don’t know. The Dash/Ingrid storyline seems pretty rushed and the Herb Guy/Wendy storyline hasn’t been developed properly. I just don’t buy that Wendy loves this guy and I’m not invested in their relationship. Same with Dash/Ingrid. The Frederick/Carolyn thing is also weird. Am I supposed to believe he loves her and is reluctantly sacrificing her? Or am I supposed to see him as a sociopath? It’s not clear. Ditto for the Spike/Joanna thing. I'm thoroughly confused here. I like the Eva plot line though. It’s pretty cool. I'm also intrigued by the Grandfather/Carolyn thing. Is Frederick going to end up boinking his gramps? Is Lifetime going to go there?
Looking forward to the next episode.
All photos belong to Lifetime.